What is out there doesn’t change, but what is inside does, which sometimes, changes what is out there.
We hear this a lot, that we can’t change others, but we can change ourselves. Or rather what I am saying, is that we don’t so much change who we are, but inside something shifts to change our relationship to who and what we are. There is a subtle difference, something in acceptance shifts the prism of how we live our days. There is value in teachings, in story, in learning and efforting. We see something of which we want to move towards and we learn all that we can about it, we see it, hear it, have a sense or a plan about it, and sometimes this works to achieve our goals, but other times, we find ourselves struggling against ourselves or the current, stepping in the same puddle we have been stepping in, and frustrated with ourselves for our habits. It’s like the pilgrim on a vision quest who comes to a sacred door of which he must find a way to pass through. He even has the password, but finds that it doesn’t work. After countless failed attempts to enter through the gait he sits down and surrenders himself to the situation before him. There is a letting go, and a series of emotions that he passes through, anger, sadness, grief, renewed eagerness, and then, showing up at the inner door. Finding himself at the precipice of his self, and his own heart, the blood moving through his veins, the air exchange in his every breath. Despite all of his attempts, something in him keeps living, keeps showing up, and begs him to keep living and showing up despite his situation. And in that turning, turning toward himself, something inside that has been almost imperceptible opens and he is self-embraced. He stands up, away from the door, and walks back into the life he has been living, but with gentle eyes to see himself and the world about him. We can offer these lessons to others, as parable, and it can even make clear sense as we feel what is needed, but we can’t manufacture the shift. The beauty of this, is that at some point, will, turns over to grace, the touching of two fingertips together, and illumination. Will, can take us so far, but I find grace in that we can only do so much with our minds and our bodies, and then Love, or light, our Soul, God, or unknown forces bring us the inner spark of this, now, unfolding, as it is. Much like a relationship between two people, it’s a relationship with the subtle forces inside, those subtle forces that without our efforts, keeps us breathing and our hearts beating. I find relief in knowing, we don’t have to do it all ourselves, that we don’t need to push ourselves so hard, judge, blame, feel shame, but rather accept that we are on a journey of mystery, that can not be rushed or manufactured. In surrender, we embrace our selves and our situation, and start living a little more fully. Each day, a mystery, unfolding for us, as us, through unexpected doors into fuller versions of what we have known ourselves to be.
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Today was one of those days where I am reminded that I don’t always blend well together with others, as though I am missing something that everyone else knows how to do, or at least some sort of social etiquette that keeps things reasonably functional.
I don’t know my way around interacting with contractors. They are often the opposite gender, they aren’t usually cuddly and gentle, soft or here to understand and forgive my fears, concerns and personal wounds. After all, that would be sticky, awkward, and unuseful to my path. I know better than to dislike myself for this, but embracing my quirks and challenges and the fears of being ostracized are real inside of me. I was driving to see the last person on my schedule of the day, while turning toward an inner resource for love and insight, reflecting on it, holding it. Something very sweet in the person I was seeing reminds me of myself, how sensitive and a little outside of the normal flow of human to human interactions and expectations. I don’t really care how well he does on any particular day interfacing with others. I don’t care what others think of him, how many jobs he switches over to nor the frequency. I don’t care that he’s been incarcerated nor isn’t able to be an ‘adequate’ care provider to his ailing father. I don’t care how ‘successful’ he is in others opinions. I just like him and care that he is here, showing up, moving forward and willing. At some point, I realized that he represented the gift I could give to myself, that if I can see and care for him that way, that it’s the same deserving, unconditional loving presence that I have the capacity for in myself. He doesn’t know this, it would be too personal and too much to put out to him. But I did say ‘I am glad to see you today…’ he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what is presence can do for me, but I hope he feels it when I see him. It is more potent and valuable to love where you are in this moment than to be anywhere else. To think that we should be any place other than this is a story that will keep you wrapped up and away from experiencing the fullness of what you are and its totality. Embracing whatever is here now and loving yourself through it is all that is required. That is awakening.
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AuthorAs a person who is highly interested in the inner landscape through interaction with the external, I find it invaluable to express these experiences. Here, a collection of musings; experiments, potential truths, and ultimately, my unique pathway of creative learning and growth. Blog and website edited by scholar, literary enthusiast, horticulturist and friend Peter Dryden.
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