Joy often alludes me, as I have a tendency to grasp for what I want, like a kid eyeing the cookie jar. And likewise, on the other end, managing things in order to stave off discomfort, out of fear and simply forgetting how to trust, turn things over, and be. To be curious, and reside someplace other than the mind takes patience and practice. I can get there in meditation, and that in itself is a feat. And I can get there with a loved one with whom I feel safe, but residing in a deep place of an abiding Self takes practice, and the challenge of being in some form of discomfort and uncertainty. It’s how we work the parameters of our own hearts, to find our way back to ourselves. Often, I am reminded that joy is a state. But knowing this only points the way. One has to actually take that inner leap of faith to get there, along with real-time life lessons. My experience is that the leap, the shift, occurs in the heart-a sacred place of calm radiance. And once the journey is made (often starting from letting go of the mind chatter), some degree of calm exudes throughout my being and outward. Seldom, does the joy come from things, from doing, or from others, though they can help at times. Rather, there is a turning inward, asking for help internally and sensing directly what is there, allowing. The shift from mind to heart is quite distinct for me once made. A shift from much of the energy bouncing around in my mind and questioning, to an inner calm and presence that allows me to rest back in myself. The energy is felt in the heart, not the mind. This Christmas Eve morning, I found myself wound up in my mind about the holidays, managing, finding safety. In a state of panic, sometimes the kindest thing I can do is to reach out to a friend, who can hold the space while allowing the spinning state that I find myself in to settle. I reached out to a friend in Switzerland, and she helped create the container while I was able to let the spinning subside, settle and to be with. From there, I kept the door open to the feeling of sweet calm, knowing it wouldn’t take much for things to start churning again, and then gathered myself up for meditation. And here is where the leap occurred. Starting as I often do -not being sure that I have the capacity to find inner guidance, I asked for help, remained present with what came, and kept handing things back over. Meditation for me is often a relational practice, of asking for help, seeing inner visions, and then accepting what comes, and turning things back over again. At some point, some visions came of which I am familiar, and know to rest with. And the energy shifted from my mind, to a place of quiet safety and peace, no longer managing, manipulating, but an allowing state which permeated my mind and body. It feels like a warm bath for the nerves, or bathing in honey colored light. It’s from there that I know how to step into a day. And I believe that is the internal relationship to develop this holiday season. It is from there that we can show up, for ourselves and for others. When I think of those people of which I am attracted to, I believe it’s that state I sense in them. Sometimes it shows up as something they have created, sometimes something they are doing, and sometimes, it’s just them being them-holding love/joy energy. So simple and so perfect. And somehow, that is more than enough. How the joy presents itself is our unique offering and path, both in the moment to moment, and over the course of our lives. It is that state that we are enlivened, create, and offer up to others. Not the other way around. This holiday, some of my gifts are inspired from that state, some not, and that is okay. It’s not as important as the practice of showing up and seeing if I can find the inner state of being and then just seeing how that is, nothing more. I don’t expect myself to do this perfectly, I might not be able to, but having the practice presented, I have an inner template to practice with. I believe the state is enough, enough for ourselves, and enough of a gift for the world. It’s that state that helps us stay home with ourselves, in loving company, and inspires others. It’s not a doing, but being. And I think we all are looking for that in ourselves, and that is how we gift the world-in finding the love/joy in our hearts-and looking out into the world from there.
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AuthorAs a person who is highly interested in the inner landscape through interaction with the external, I find it invaluable to express these experiences. Here, a collection of musings; experiments, potential truths, and ultimately, my unique pathway of creative learning and growth. Blog and website edited by scholar, literary enthusiast, horticulturist and friend Peter Dryden.
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