What is out there doesn’t change, but what is inside does, which sometimes, changes what is out there.
We hear this a lot, that we can’t change others, but we can change ourselves. Or rather what I am saying, is that we don’t so much change who we are, but inside something shifts to change our relationship to who and what we are. There is a subtle difference, something in acceptance shifts the prism of how we live our days. There is value in teachings, in story, in learning and efforting. We see something of which we want to move towards and we learn all that we can about it, we see it, hear it, have a sense or a plan about it, and sometimes this works to achieve our goals, but other times, we find ourselves struggling against ourselves or the current, stepping in the same puddle we have been stepping in, and frustrated with ourselves for our habits. It’s like the pilgrim on a vision quest who comes to a sacred door of which he must find a way to pass through. He even has the password, but finds that it doesn’t work. After countless failed attempts to enter through the gait he sits down and surrenders himself to the situation before him. There is a letting go, and a series of emotions that he passes through, anger, sadness, grief, renewed eagerness, and then, showing up at the inner door. Finding himself at the precipice of his self, and his own heart, the blood moving through his veins, the air exchange in his every breath. Despite all of his attempts, something in him keeps living, keeps showing up, and begs him to keep living and showing up despite his situation. And in that turning, turning toward himself, something inside that has been almost imperceptible opens and he is self-embraced. He stands up, away from the door, and walks back into the life he has been living, but with gentle eyes to see himself and the world about him. We can offer these lessons to others, as parable, and it can even make clear sense as we feel what is needed, but we can’t manufacture the shift. The beauty of this, is that at some point, will, turns over to grace, the touching of two fingertips together, and illumination. Will, can take us so far, but I find grace in that we can only do so much with our minds and our bodies, and then Love, or light, our Soul, God, or unknown forces bring us the inner spark of this, now, unfolding, as it is. Much like a relationship between two people, it’s a relationship with the subtle forces inside, those subtle forces that without our efforts, keeps us breathing and our hearts beating. I find relief in knowing, we don’t have to do it all ourselves, that we don’t need to push ourselves so hard, judge, blame, feel shame, but rather accept that we are on a journey of mystery, that can not be rushed or manufactured. In surrender, we embrace our selves and our situation, and start living a little more fully. Each day, a mystery, unfolding for us, as us, through unexpected doors into fuller versions of what we have known ourselves to be.
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Today was one of those days where I am reminded that I don’t always blend well together with others, as though I am missing something that everyone else knows how to do, or at least some sort of social etiquette that keeps things reasonably functional.
I don’t know my way around interacting with contractors. They are often the opposite gender, they aren’t usually cuddly and gentle, soft or here to understand and forgive my fears, concerns and personal wounds. After all, that would be sticky, awkward, and unuseful to my path. I know better than to dislike myself for this, but embracing my quirks and challenges and the fears of being ostracized are real inside of me. I was driving to see the last person on my schedule of the day, while turning toward an inner resource for love and insight, reflecting on it, holding it. Something very sweet in the person I was seeing reminds me of myself, how sensitive and a little outside of the normal flow of human to human interactions and expectations. I don’t really care how well he does on any particular day interfacing with others. I don’t care what others think of him, how many jobs he switches over to nor the frequency. I don’t care that he’s been incarcerated nor isn’t able to be an ‘adequate’ care provider to his ailing father. I don’t care how ‘successful’ he is in others opinions. I just like him and care that he is here, showing up, moving forward and willing. At some point, I realized that he represented the gift I could give to myself, that if I can see and care for him that way, that it’s the same deserving, unconditional loving presence that I have the capacity for in myself. He doesn’t know this, it would be too personal and too much to put out to him. But I did say ‘I am glad to see you today…’ he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what is presence can do for me, but I hope he feels it when I see him. It is more potent and valuable to love where you are in this moment than to be anywhere else. To think that we should be any place other than this is a story that will keep you wrapped up and away from experiencing the fullness of what you are and its totality. Embracing whatever is here now and loving yourself through it is all that is required. That is awakening.
When we are uncomfortable, in any form, we look for solutions, solutions for ourselves, solutions for others, to end the discomfort and to move onto.…well…where are we trying to get to? But to look for solutions we often miss the process of exploration. To look for solutions signifies we want to be done, something we are not content being-with. There is flow, there are next steps, but they are not solutions, just ways of flowing with an unfolding process.
We do this habitually, we like to fix and feel capable. But often there is a lack of patience, humility or compassion when we rush the process, both for ourselves and others. Rather, there can be ways of exploring the dynamic at hand, ways of seeing, trying things on, means of finding perspectives that may be useful. And we can try things on by asking ourselves, ‘…what would happen if…” and see what learning and growth presents itself. ‘What would happen if I spoke up…if I do nothing…if I take control of the situation…if I react and see where that takes me…if I say ‘no’… if I ask for help….if I hold a sense of compassion….if I take a step back and view the many ways I have tried things…” When a learning and growth process is complete, we know, something shifts, either in ourselves or the environment and dynamic at hand. We are then, co-participants of forces in play that are larger than ourselves, or perhaps you could say that we are co-creators with our higher selves-the selves that are guiding us. Funny too…because once a process is done, and a shift occurs, we can have the tendency to hold on, to look back, to replay it over and over again, and be unwilling to let go of what we were seeking solutions for. And this is the flip side of wanting to be done with things. So where once we wanted things to be complete and discomfort to end…we then keep our foot in the learning dynamic that begs completion out of fear of moving onto the next phase or opportunity for learning, for flow. In this case, it could be due to lack of integration or understanding, or compassion, forgiveness, fear or shame. It’s all just experience, an invitation for learning, we enter some experience to learn and grow, we learn what is possible, seek help and guidance, and at some point, it’s enough, and we move on, taking into ourselves the insights and experience gained, and apply it to the next, or place it aside until it can be put to use, to support others, to offer compassion, or to build upon for ourselves. So solutions, are not a bad thing, things can get ‘fixed’ but a sense of urgency often indicates fear of an important process that needs our compassionate observation and attention. When I think of those who I feel most supported by and comfortable with, they are the ones who hold, who guide, who are patient, who listen, and perhaps highlight what is true or make a small suggestion of a next step to take, to keep flowing with a process. No urgency, just seeing things as is, without judgment, respecting the path I chose to flow with…with love. And When Everything Stopped…
An acquaintance asked me to complete her sentence the other day, and without missing a, excuse this mild pun, beat, I responded… ...And when everything stopped, I continued dancing, because that is how the light moves through. Where music ends and I begin becomes a single continuous thread, no end and no beginning. They move together to create the sound and light we travel upon. One movement, one beat, reverberates into you and back through me, and joy becomes what we feel and see. With no separation, an invitation to give yourself up to the rhythm of the moment, and I feel what you play and you hear how I move and that is how the universe flows. It ripples, through you, to me, and back again. The unstuck cord with no end, and no beginning. So when everything stopped, and there was a pause in the beat, I heard the echo... ...and continued dancing. So I invite you....when everything stopped, I continued... May you feel the warmth of love radiating from within.
May you see truth as more vibrant than story. May you sense the vast consciousness that connects us all as one. May you sense peace in eternity made more potent by your presence. May you grasp that you are on a journey of love and understanding. May you know what love is by what opens you and brings you and others freedom. May the journey take you through the eyes of love and healing. And may you and I and all of us know each other by what makes us whole. We spend our days looking, asking, being receptive, as it is a necessary feat. For there is a meeting point between the outer and the inner that joins together as one. We are encouraged in looking to deities, in willingness to accept what the universe is reflecting. We learn through surrendering to a greater force, to a greater something, and in honoring our spouses, our children, our friends and loved ones. But what would it feel like, to turn to ourselves as that sacred temple?
Finding ourselves thrown off course, overwhelmed by experience and flows of emotion, necessitates reason to pause, to retreat to an inner realm, or to go to a practitioner who can help orient the body/spirit enough to an inner, steady state of calm. A way to be here and be steady. Books, teaching, deities and other spiritual figures are integral to the journey. Part of the cultivation of inner strength, resiliency and resources, is leaning into the outer. No problem. It will shift, and we will move forward. Other times we have the opportunity to try such teachings on in real time. Sometimes we triumph, sometimes, we fall short. No problem, it will shift, and we will move forward. We learn to blend what appears to be two separate things, and behold, it is one-when the outer teachings meet the inner experiential understanding. It becomes a true organic outpouring as us. There isn’t reason to keep the light, love and healing separate, nothing to deny, nothing to hide. We are ‘that’. The temple we have been bowing to, is us. The deity we follow is us, our sacred bodies are the Buddha, the Krishna, and we treat our bodies as such-as sacred vessels that embody the truth and the light. There is no separation, we are the temple. And you are the temple, and life, and Love, is the temple. For Love, is the energy that sources. And we, are that. Take a moment, feel the breath, the width of the breath in the body, and as your body receives and exhales the breath. Conjure up an image of a figure that embodies a state we revere and bow to in admiration. As you look onto that image or figure, feel that in the body. And take a moment to recognize the quality as you, flowing inside and extending outwardly. Breath, allow. “Holy places, shrines and alters; I’ve been all over in my travels. But never have I seen a place of pilgrimage more blissful than the body.” —Sahara, Dokakośa Joy often alludes me, as I have a tendency to grasp for what I want, like a kid eyeing the cookie jar. And likewise, on the other end, managing things in order to stave off discomfort, out of fear and simply forgetting how to trust, turn things over, and be. To be curious, and reside someplace other than the mind takes patience and practice. I can get there in meditation, and that in itself is a feat. And I can get there with a loved one with whom I feel safe, but residing in a deep place of an abiding Self takes practice, and the challenge of being in some form of discomfort and uncertainty. It’s how we work the parameters of our own hearts, to find our way back to ourselves. Often, I am reminded that joy is a state. But knowing this only points the way. One has to actually take that inner leap of faith to get there, along with real-time life lessons. My experience is that the leap, the shift, occurs in the heart-a sacred place of calm radiance. And once the journey is made (often starting from letting go of the mind chatter), some degree of calm exudes throughout my being and outward. Seldom, does the joy come from things, from doing, or from others, though they can help at times. Rather, there is a turning inward, asking for help internally and sensing directly what is there, allowing. The shift from mind to heart is quite distinct for me once made. A shift from much of the energy bouncing around in my mind and questioning, to an inner calm and presence that allows me to rest back in myself. The energy is felt in the heart, not the mind. This Christmas Eve morning, I found myself wound up in my mind about the holidays, managing, finding safety. In a state of panic, sometimes the kindest thing I can do is to reach out to a friend, who can hold the space while allowing the spinning state that I find myself in to settle. I reached out to a friend in Switzerland, and she helped create the container while I was able to let the spinning subside, settle and to be with. From there, I kept the door open to the feeling of sweet calm, knowing it wouldn’t take much for things to start churning again, and then gathered myself up for meditation. And here is where the leap occurred. Starting as I often do -not being sure that I have the capacity to find inner guidance, I asked for help, remained present with what came, and kept handing things back over. Meditation for me is often a relational practice, of asking for help, seeing inner visions, and then accepting what comes, and turning things back over again. At some point, some visions came of which I am familiar, and know to rest with. And the energy shifted from my mind, to a place of quiet safety and peace, no longer managing, manipulating, but an allowing state which permeated my mind and body. It feels like a warm bath for the nerves, or bathing in honey colored light. It’s from there that I know how to step into a day. And I believe that is the internal relationship to develop this holiday season. It is from there that we can show up, for ourselves and for others. When I think of those people of which I am attracted to, I believe it’s that state I sense in them. Sometimes it shows up as something they have created, sometimes something they are doing, and sometimes, it’s just them being them-holding love/joy energy. So simple and so perfect. And somehow, that is more than enough. How the joy presents itself is our unique offering and path, both in the moment to moment, and over the course of our lives. It is that state that we are enlivened, create, and offer up to others. Not the other way around. This holiday, some of my gifts are inspired from that state, some not, and that is okay. It’s not as important as the practice of showing up and seeing if I can find the inner state of being and then just seeing how that is, nothing more. I don’t expect myself to do this perfectly, I might not be able to, but having the practice presented, I have an inner template to practice with. I believe the state is enough, enough for ourselves, and enough of a gift for the world. It’s that state that helps us stay home with ourselves, in loving company, and inspires others. It’s not a doing, but being. And I think we all are looking for that in ourselves, and that is how we gift the world-in finding the love/joy in our hearts-and looking out into the world from there. I am heading to the Cape for the weekend, some time away, without my cat, without work, without the use of electronics, at least the plan is set in this way ; ) I am slowly learning that my grumpiness, is often related to an unmet need for space, or attention, or some other sort, and not a reflection of a true state of my personality. It gives me much space for being and trusting of something larger. This morning, upon waking, I was contemplating a lack of separateness between how I show up day to day, and that which comes forth as intuitive nudges, emotional waves that send a message of 'there is something here to look at'. I often see myself through a lens of 'I am....this personality, this way, this locked in self' and needing help from something outside-whether that being a being with skin on, or a larger self that is separate from my usual identification. But this is a gross miss-truth. What feels more wholesome and true, with much more room to navigate and explore with kindness and inquiry-a relationship building, is that I am both. Both the stuck and the freedom, the habitual patterns and the way out of them, they are not separate but a path of awaking, of seeing and then slowly creating a new way, if chosen. In that, I will pause, for who is the writer? But a motivational wave moving through a persona that is expressing and wanting to be seen on the other side, by the self (with a little 's') as well as, apparently, by others-with skin on as Tara Brach humors about. And we are all of that, the inspiration and the reflectors, and needing each other to see and reflect different versions and perspectives back, for greater fullness and understanding, of creative knowing and seeing. I will leave with that, seeing, unfolding, allowing. Inspired by what John O'Donohue writes, "I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.” ...Toss this into the ethers, sending a splash of dye into the ocean. And I do think it is often like that...adding a drop of dye into the ocean, and slowly, slowly, we shift, we become something more, not less, not an undoing, but all of it, slowly shifting color, to contain it all, and all of life within this one, precious, drop. The lamps are different, but the Light is the same. One matter, one energy, one Light, one Light-mind, endlessly emanating all things. One turning and burning diamond, one, one, one. Ground yourself, strip yourself down, to blind loving silence. Stay there, until you see you are gazing at the Light with its own ageless eyes. Rumi |
AuthorAs a person who is highly interested in the inner landscape through interaction with the external, I find it invaluable to express these experiences. Here, a collection of musings; experiments, potential truths, and ultimately, my unique pathway of creative learning and growth. Blog and website edited by scholar, literary enthusiast, horticulturist and friend Peter Dryden.
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